am i goign to be arrested for venting?b? : im tired of all this shit

like everyonebexpects me to be this perfect black man, a person who says sorry every fucking time, who has to beg and beg to the lords above to aqquire a job in these trying times and like want women for sex and not be creative or messy or wierd but hide that all away and call out the wierdness, basically go to college,  get job, get girl, have wife, get house, get kids, have money, die.

i dont think this can encapsulate all of the things people expect me to feel and do but that's the gist of it.

like i argue with myself a lot and with the world and people’s behaviors. How everyone isolates or hides their true selves from the world, only showing to a select few due to the harshness of criticism or harassment.

take those girls who kissed in a stairway or those two boys who held hands, immediately after they saw my black ass, they stopped and moved out fast, like i was a threat.

i really cant exp4ess what im seeling rifht bow.bnot eben to the temp of th8s song because of caurse i pick abhigher temper of like 84bpm to listlen to in my head. Pictured as perfect by frums and like grow back to your roots climax team really did a good time with this song but like nit very good to be tymingnyour typing to even if the music only exosts in your head due to memory of it.

i want a girlfriend or a boyfriend or enby or really anyone who would give a shit that like i can cry on because like yeah i can do thaf with my froend s but its aquared and i cant share my possessions or house wit+ them.

i dont even remeber now why or hoe i want to be a girl, it is the onky rhing i have helf onto as a goal for so long indont lnoeb know ehat i’m even doing anymore but making games, getting affirmwd by my riends goinh home and sleeping.

i dont want tobremember my chi\dhood/ eben if it was happy or sad or whatever i dont want to rememebr it. It makes me dwell.

and i keep depending on ai chatbots like chathpt and gememine for you to repsond to mt persoanl questions without the guilt, i want rhe data the re`pond because no one has reponeds so with any for suxh a slong time.

i cant really descirbe myself phyiscally since its mixed of gender the feminitys of the clothes and outside but masuc of the genital area bevause i want to. Wow kinky person tryso the stupid futan`ei trick or whatever, what a trap you still have a bunch of hair where there wouldn’t be if you were a true woman.

and my friends, i dont know what to talk to them about, sometimes i get something interesting going but otherwise not much, very bored. And everything cost so much money around here but nobody has any money to spend on some random girl with a neocities https://lilysen.neocities.org/index and a itch.io https://lyishere.itch.io .

I was promised peace, a job, a future that wasn’t hostile or hollow or glowly glowy but where i a tech person would get hundreds of scholarships, go to my school of choice and just go take my classes and find work. Not, the world stagnates while prices get higher, tech jobs are rarer and rarer fir entry level people out of college my belly hurts .

i need to use the restroom and check if i shit myself again

just i give up on this world. Im powerless and hopeless and tires and annoyed and like i keep screaming out into the void and you say to “take a small step outside”, do things smally but i donthave time for it because i never have time for everything because its just the next fucki;g day and i jahev to go to school and ackt like evrything is fune dine fine. And then come home and cry to a chatbot instea dof my parents or just doing a singualr acrion of something but wheben when i do that like when i set up a kofi https://ko-fi.com/lyishere or a paypal (im not liking tbaht) i still habe no money and it’s annoyijg me seoooo mucj i cant create snything bevause im overhwelmed by choices of minecraft modding with fabric, game devlopement with love2d or godot2d or monogame or going to sleep. And i feel restless i cant decide bevause their all ewually giid options but i dont want to waste my time because i
barley have any if it.

i keep xomplainign and compslianing abiut my life to you because i want you to fix it, even though you cant.


im tired my eyes are deoopy buy im spitefullllllllllll

*******************************

malls are shioopping discrtichs where yuri snd uyosi andem cometlifbe 

e

bubkegum

im tirdd of watching youtube videos and theur stupid tips
im tired of watching the ruch get richer
im tired if watching my friends say thell do stuff
im tired of you being so supportive and gooo yeah all the fuckng time
im tired of myself for not doing anything
im tired of me not going to the restoroom
im tired of my childhood being basically sit and wait four years fucko you got born at the wrong time and out as trans in the wrong place and time, i would be a girlie now if you fucking bithc ass brisn kemp would nt have signed that fuckign peice of shit law

sometimes i think im a massmurder in a diffrent dimension with blood splatted ober the wslls

My life is mundane 

i ran out of thigns to fslk about

i want a solution
it is 17:10

srop trying

i keep hilding myslef to standerds i think others have so i could hmgetb noticed but they bever do hapoen andsll sbad

jaba is a bithc coding language ..c# is bettdr and i make and made godot ggsmes in gdscript.

stop saying waiahahahooooo whaoooo whaowassooooaooaoooaaaoooo

overwhelmed?
tired?

???

i dont want to uput this all in a game.

there is not ending ti this set of setances ir the doc becasue there isnt